


Stuck on Earth With You

by Seek_The_Stars



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, lapidot - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-07-27 13:13:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7619458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seek_The_Stars/pseuds/Seek_The_Stars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lapis Lazuli just wants to be alone.<br/>Peridot cannot stand the thought of having no one around.<br/>Both of them just want to be happy.</p><p>*Based on all SU lore up until "Alone at Sea."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alone at Sea (And the Barn)

It was early morning, and all was quiet at the barn. Lapis was still asleep up in the rafters, but Peridot was already hard at work. She’d been awake for hours working on her _Camp Pining Hearts_ essay. Her only company during the wee hours of the early morning had been the clicking of the tablet’s screen and Lapis’ light snores. Even with this white noise, she found it impossible to focus on the task at hand. She was struggling with her Poutine theory, which would connect several of the points from the first fifty pages. Frustrated with her inability to think of the correct phrasing, Peridot jammed her finger against the backspace button.

Around eight in the morning, she noticed a voice outside. Peridot rose from her seat and scurried outside, spotting Steven as he approached from the crest of a hill. He must have seen her, because he began waving his arms and running towards her. While Peridot usually preferred nothing but the subtle droning of the countryside during her writing time, she welcomed the interruption. 

The moment she dashed out of the barn to greet Steven, he shouted and launched something bright blue directly at Peridot’s face. She screamed and shut her eyes, bracing for the impact. She should have seen this coming! The Crystal Clods were betraying her, and they had sent Steven to finish her off and take her to the Harvest!

A tiny _thunk_ on her visor relieved Peridot of her fears. She dared to open her eyes and spotted a blue object on the ground. The top of it bore the images of a boxy machine and a sponge.

“Steven? What is this object?”

The hybrid Gem jogged over, his smile bright as ever. “With the spare cash my dad got from the burger commercial song, he decided to invest in some company swag to give out to customers. See the picture right there? It’s a car and a sponge!” 

“Hmmmm.” Peridot leaned forward, examining the object. “A ‘car’? Is that a weapon?” 

Steven’s smile tightened. “Uh, sometimes. It depends how you use it. Humans use cars to get places faster, but they’re kind of dangerous.” 

Peridot stood upright, scratching her chin. Her eyes remained focused on the item. “How exactly does this circular device operate?” 

“Oh, it’s easy!” Steven bent down to pick it up. “Watch what I do. All you have to do is get down low, bring your arm back like this, and throw!”

To Peridot’s amazement, the object sailed in the air as soon as Steven released it. It curved slightly to the left, probably from the wind direction, and slowly spun its way back down to the grass. It had landed several meters away from the barn entrance.

“Incredible!” Peridot exclaimed, running to find where it had wound up. “How many of these Gravitational Resistance Discs did your father purchase?” 

Steven laughed as Peridot dropped on all fours, searching frantically. “They’re called ‘Frisbees,’ Peridot.” 

The green Gem froze. “‘Frisbees’? Please tell me they are not in some way related to the bees that pollinate flowers.” 

“No, of course not. Why would you ask that?” 

Peridot stopped her search long enough to inspect a day-old mark on her thumb. “No reason. I just don’t like bees.” 

Steven tapped Peridot on the shoulder. She turned her head and grinned when she saw the “Frisbee” in Steven’s hand. He passed it over and backed off as Peridot flailed her arm around, desperate to get the Frisbee to perform its anti-gravity tricks.

“You have to let go of the Frisbee, Peridot.”

“Oh.” Peridot spun in a circle and, without looking where she was aiming, released her grip on the Frisbee. She continued spinning until Steven grabbed her shoulder. Peridot followed his pointer finger and watched in awe as the Frisbee cut across the powder-blue sky, headed straight towards the barn.

Just as the Frisbee began its decent, a figure appeared from the barn entrance. Peridot didn’t need to see the teardrop-shaped gem to know that it was Lapis.

“Lazuli!” she cried. “Look out!”

It was too late. The Frisbee connected with Lapis’ head, bouncing off of her skull and onto the ground.

“Noooo!” Peridot ran forward, stumbling over the long grass. “Lazuli, Lazuli! Are you okay? Don’t retreat into your Gem, please don’t!”

As Peridot approached, she recognized that Lapis’ nose was scrunched up. She was staring at the Frisbee. It lay so innocently on the ground. Peridot growled. That device was a _monster_.

“What’s this?” Lapis leaned down, fingers outstretched.

Before Lapis could sustain any further injury, Peridot intercepted. “Don’t touch that! It’s made of pure evil.”

Steven approached from behind Peridot, panting a bit. “Actually, Peridot, it’s made of plastic.” 

Lapis’s usual grumpy expression brightened when she saw Steven. “Oh, hey Steven! Are you ready to go?” 

The hybrid Gem bounced up and down, grinning wider than Peridot had ever seen. “Aw, yeah! But it’s a surprise, so you’ll have to keep your eyes covered until we get there.” 

Lapis laughed. “And where is ‘there’?”

“The Beach City docks!”

The blue Gem frowned. “Isn’t that kind of far away? I don’t know if I want my eyes covered for that long.”

Steven shrugged. “Well, yeah, it’s kind of far, but it’s all about the suspense! Also, I forgot to bring the blindfold, so I think you’ll have to use your wings.”

“But Steven, my wings are…”

He tilted his head. “What?”

Lapis hesitated, a strange glint in her eyes. “Never mind. Let’s just go.”

As Steven said goodbye to Peridot and headed away with Lapis, the green Gem couldn’t help but feel a stab of emotion in her gut. She wasn’t sure what it was, but she didn’t like it. This emotion made her body feel heavy and her nostrils flare. It felt horrible! What was it?

“Alright,” Peridot said, cracking her fingers. “Time to do some research!” She dashed back into the barn. Using her newfound powers, Peridot sensed the location of her tablet and drew it close. Once it was within grasp, she took it in her hands and went to a search bar.

“Why does everything in my body feel funny”

Millions of items came up in the search. She scrolled through them, shaking her head. “Anxiety? No. Depersonalization? No. Nervous? No. Ugh.”

She set the tablet down and lay on the wooden floor. The barn was suddenly much larger than usual, an airfilled cavern with too much space. Peridot rolled over and shut her eyes. She had no clue when Lapis would get back. All Peridot knew was that she didn’t want to be alone.

Peridot’s head snapped up. She summoned her tablet and went back to the search bar.

“I don’t want to be alone.”

Peridot eyed the word that appeared all over the screen. “Loneliness.” She tested it on her tongue. It was a bitter word, wet and heavy. Peridot spat on the ground, desperate to scrape the taste from her mouth. She had grown used to the company of Lapis at the barn. Sure, the Homeworld Gem did not emulate the energy of Steven or his Crystal Clod friends, but at least Peridot and Lapis had a few things in common.

  1. They were from Homeworld.
  2. They were traitors to their planet.
  3. They were both friends with Steven.



Not having Lapis around felt wrong. Even on those days where Lapis flew off to the silo’s roof for some “alone time,” Peridot had felt her presence stretch across the emerald pasture. Now, with no one close to the barn whatsoever, Peridot felt the claustrophobia of loneliness setting in.

“I am being so illogical!” Peridot announced with a disdainful sniff. “I— I’m not alone! I have…” She glanced outside and saw the Frisbee on the grass. “I have the Frisbee that Steven gave me. And I have the tablet that Steven gave me!” Peridot turned towards the opposite wall of the barn, searching for more of her belongings. “And, oh, and I have that spoon! The, uh, the one that… that Steven gave me.”

So, Peridot had all of these belongings, but she didn’t have Steven. He’d taken Lapis out for a fun day and left Peridot alone. Something wet trailed down her cheek. Peridot swiped at it and rubbed the moisture off on her uniform. It was no matter. She would simply have to entertain herself for the rest of the afternoon, until Lapis got back from this trip with Steven. Taking her tablet in hand, she settled against a pillow in the corner and did her best to focus on her _Camp Pining Hearts_ essay. 

* 

Several hours and zero words later, Peridot found herself staring at the metal spoon Steven had given her. She wasn’t sure why exactly he had brought it over, or when, but she suspected that it had been sometime during the building of the drill. No matter the reason, she was thankful that she had it. With her metal-controlling powers, she could will the spoon to slide across the floorboards. It was truly amazing— the spoon went in circles, bounced off of the floor, spun like a top, and did so much more, all because Peridot wanted it to! She pictured the spoon flying up in the air, doing a flip, and landing once more. To her glee, it happened just as she imagined it.

Peridot sent out a series of Cheeps, hoping that she could tell the entirety of Earth how excited her roommate would be about the spoon’s movement. The thought of Lapis’ nearing return energized Peridot so much that she decided to run outside and await her arrival.

As she stepped through the doorway, Peridot noticed that the skies had grown dark. This must be a sign of the “rain” that Steven loved so much. Peridot sighed, wondering if Steven and Lapis would stay out longer due to the storm.

“They’re basically water buddies now,” Peridot muttered with a sneer.

Since the rain hadn’t started yet, Peridot sat in the grass and plucked a few blades. She examined one, threw it over her shoulder, and studied the next. She didn’t want to bring her tablet outside, in case the rain started up and ruined it. Peridot scoffed— the screens attached to her limb enhancers had been resistant to the most extreme temperatures and pressure. Humans were so behind in their technology. Just the other day, she had seen a clip on TubeTube in which a foolish human leapt into a swimming pool with their phone in their pocket. It had been completely ruined! Rendered useless! Peridot would never harm her precious tablet. As long as she was around, not _one_ drop of water would land on her precious screen.

A distant speck in the sky piqued Peridot’s interest. She rose and squinted, desperate to get a better look. The dot drew closer at an alarming rate, and eventually she could make out its color— blue.

“It must be Lazuli!” Peridot ran forward, waving her arms. “Lazuli! Hey, Lazuli! Hey! Hey! Lazuli, Hey!”

The blue Gem landed softly, bare feet scuffing the grass. Peridot couldn’t see her face, but noticed that Lapis was walking slower than usual as she shuffled towards the barn.

“Lazuli?” Peridot asked.

Without looking up, Lapis replied, “Not now.”

Her tone was accusatory, just like when they had first become barn mates. Peridot wondered if she’d done anything wrong. She thought back to that morning, when they’d last seen each other. Of course, the Frisbee! All Peridot had to do was explain that it was an accident. This was the perfect opportunity to apologize for her actions _and_ to give Lapis a valuable lesson in human recreational culture.

“Lazuli, if this is about the Frisbee, I didn’t mean to hit you in the head! You see, a Frisbee is a gravitational resistance disc, and when I threw it—”

Lapis whirled on her, teeth bared. “I don’t _care_ about the stupid Frisbee, Peridot!

Peridot frowned. “You… don’t?”

Lapis shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut. “No, I don’t! I just… I…” Her voice dropped so low that, over the distant thunder, Peridot could barely hear it. “I just want to be alone right now.” 

Watery wings sprouted from Lapis’ back, and the blue Gem soared into the sky. Peridot watched as Lapis landed deftly on the distant silo. Lapis vanished as she sat on the other side of its domed top. Peridot waited for a few minutes, believing that Lapis would return before the storm started. However, several minutes passed without any sign of the informant. Rain dripped from the clouds as the storm made its way overhead, and Peridot decided to go into the barn alone.

“Alone.”


	2. Shadows of Earth and Ocean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis remembers Malachite almost too vividly.

_It’s cerulean inside of Malachite, the same bluish green as the fusion’s projected body. The cylinder of water within the internal fusion realm is cold and unforgiving, far harsher than any fluid Lapis has ever touched. She attempts to swim upwards, her arms pulling the weight of all that water. Lapis aches so badly, but she cannot stop. It’s like she said to Steven— if she ever stops, even for a second…_

_One of Jasper’s swollen hands wraps around Lapis’ foot. Lapis screams, but water fills her. She is no longer in control of the water— she is the victim of it. Lapis is dragged further down, deeper and deeper. She glances down at her captor, her victim, whoever Jasper is. Those golden eyes are dilated. Jasper grins, something horrible and toothy, as she tightens her grip on Lapis’ leg. Jasper squeezes and squeezes and squeezes until Lapis is certain that she is going to poof. The pressure is there, threatening to send her howling back into her gem. At least there, she will be safe…_

Lapis awoke with a start. She sat up and examined her surroundings, trying to focus on the world around her. This was Earth, the world of humans. She was on top of the cold metal roof of the silo, though she’d slipped a bit from where she’d fallen asleep. It was impossible to tell what time of day or night it was, since the clouds hung so low and dark over the land. Lapis was absolutely soaked, thanks to the rainstorm she had apparently slept through. Though the storm had subsided, the sensation of water coating her body was miserable. At least on the boat, she had been safe from the wetness. Lapis hated water, how it formed a glistening sheen that separated her from the world. The water trapped her, kept her from truly touching and experiencing.

Droplets of rain showered down as Lapis shook her head. She fell back onto the silo and whispered facts to herself.

“My name is Lapis Lazuli. I am on Earth. I am no longer fused with Jasper. Jasper is…”

Could she really say that Jasper was “gone” this time? The Quartz Gem claimed to have been following Lapis ever since they had unfused. If Jasper could track her down from a crack in the ground, she must have been pretty dedicated to fusion.

“My name is Lapis Lazuli. I am on Earth. I am not Malachite. Malachite is… gone. For now.”

Lapis ran her hands over her face. This was hopeless. She had to focus on facts that didn’t relate to Jasper. Just thinking about Malachite and the ocean sent icy chills from her gem to the tips of her toes.

“My name is Lapis Lazuli. I am on Earth. I live at a barn. I live with Peridot. Peridot and I are from Homeworld. We aren’t welcome there anymore.” Lapis paused. “Wow, my life is pretty depressing.”

As the clouds began to lift, heading further up into the sky, Lapis caught glimpses of sunlight. The sun’s milky fingers curled past the clouds, stretching as they reached towards the earth. Lapis put her arm up and wiggled her fingers. Maybe, if she could reach high enough, she could touch the sun. She could fly up to the sun and live on its surface, where no one would ever bother her. No Homeworld Gem had ever shown interest in conquering the sun, after all.

Lapis rolled onto her stomach and examined her reflection in the silo’s metal roof. She looked horrible. There was no way to sugarcoat it. Her eyes bore bags like picture frames, and the once-smooth skin of her face was carved with wrinkles. Clearly sleeping was not doing her any favors.

When Lapis sat back up, she could see that the warp pad had activated. A tiny speck of a person dashed off of it and headed for the barn. As the figure approached, Lapis recognized Steven’s curly black hair. She fluttered down to greet him, at first excited to talk to the hybrid. However, when she caught sight of his face, the events of the previous day hit her like a fist. Lapis landed awkwardly, and Steven hurried over to help her up. His grip on her arm was firm, but did not bear the domineering pressure that Jasper’s had.

“Lapis! Are you okay?”

The concern on his face was, quite frankly, embarrassing for Lapis to see. She pulled her arm free and glanced away. “I’m fine.”

In the corner of her eye, Steven frowned. “Are you sure? I know yesterday was scary, but—”

“It’s fine,” Lapis interrupted. More gently, she added, “I just… don’t want to talk about it right now. Okay?”

She gathered the courage to look at Steven. Though he appeared reluctant, he nodded. “Alright, Lapis. I understand.” He puckered his lips and then asked, “So, uh, is Peridot around?”

Lapis shrugged. For all she knew, Peridot was off on some mystical adventure. Either that, or holed up in the barn watching _Camp Pining Hearts_. The more Lapis thought about it, the more likely the latter became.

Steven shifted awkwardly on his feet. Why? Was Lapis making him uncomfortable? She blushed at the thought and averted her gaze again.

“Lapis?”

“Go check the barn.” Lapis whispered.

With her eyes shut, she could only listen as Steven hesitated, then shuffled away. As soon as she thought he was gone, Lapis opened her eyes. His silhouette slipped through the barn entrance. Once again, Lapis was alone. She prepared to fly off to the silo when Peridot’s squeaky voice ring through the air.

“Oh, hey Steven! You’ll never guess what happened last night.”

“What?”

“I finished twenty more pages of my _Camp Pining Hearts_ essay!”

“That’s great, Peridot! How long is it now?”

“Approximately 711 pages, though I still have several more to go. I haven’t even gotten to the symbolism of the Color War as a metaphor for civil disobedience and anarchist ideals. That comes in around page 800.”

“Wow, you sure have a lot of words written down.”

“Absolutely! There is so much to talk about with _Camp Pining Hearts_! Oh, would you like me to read what I have so far?”

“Uh, no, no, that’s okay.”

Lapis snickered to herself. Even Steven, the nicest person she had ever met, was not nice enough to sit through several hours of _Camp Pining Hearts_ discourse.

"Peridot, I actually came for another reason. Can I ask you something?”

The tone of Steven’s voice, the innocent sincerity that made it trail into a bit of higher octave, immediately caught Lapis’ attention. She knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, really, she did, but at this point, she couldn’t help herself. Steven sounded so worried, so scared. Lapis crept to the doorway, pressed against the outer wall of the barn so that they wouldn’t see her.

“Of course, Steven,” Peridot replied with uncharacteristic placidity. “What is it?”

“Well,” Steven began, “it’s about Lapis.”

Lapis went rigid. They were talking about her behind her back? _Steven_ was talking about her behind her back?

“Ah, yes, Lazuli.” Peridot’s voice shook a bit. Lapis bit her lip. “What about her?”

“She’s been feeling kind of under the weather lately.”

“But aren’t we all living under the weather? Living on earth means that we exist in the troposphere, where all of the weather happens—”

“No, Peridot, I mean that Lapis has been feeling kind of, you know, sick.”

There was a brief pause. “But Gems can’t get sick. We’re made of light.”

“It’s not a physical sickness, like a cold or a flu,” Steven explained. “It’s something different.”

“Oh.” Peridot hesitated before asking, “Is there anything I can do?”

“I don’t know,” Steven replied, downtrodden. “Just be gentle, okay? I know that you can be kind of out-there, but try to keep calm around her.”

“I can do that!” Peridot announced. Lapis imagined the short Gem puffing out her chest, her face the splitting image of stoicism. The thought gave her a little chuckle, but did not serve to help her feel any better. Her one solace was that Steven was not going to tell Peridot about Jasper. At least, not yet.

“I’ve got to go,” Steven said. “Connie is coming over for sword training, and Pearl wants me there to work on our teambuilding.”

“I understand. Don’t worry, Steven, I’ll make sure that by the next time you stop by, Lazuli will be back to normal!”

Lapis slipped away, heading around the barn so that she could hide when Steven emerged. She pressed a hand against her mouth to muffle her breathing. “Back to normal”? Peridot was no better now than she had been as a loyal Homeworld Gem. Lapis had never been normal, not since the day she burst out of the ground. Centuries trapped in a mirror and months under the ocean in a fusion had taken their toll on her, and eradicated any sense of normalcy from her life. How could Peridot possibly help?

The warp pad chimed in the distance, meaning that it was safe for Lapis to go back out. She debated whether or not to confront Peridot. After all, Peridot seemed pretty dead-set on making Lapis “normal.” How could Lapis be comfortable around her if Peridot wouldn’t even use the right part of her name? Lapis crossed her arms, cheeks flaring up with heat. She had to talk to Peridot now and save herself the trouble of whatever antics the green Gem would cook up.

As Lapis circled around the barn and approached the door, she could hear Peridot muttering to herself. It was a sound she was familiar with, having been stuck on a ship with Peridot for a while. Curious, Lapis halted her steps and leaned back against the wall again to listen.

“… Could always show her a _Camp Pining Hearts_ episode! Lazuli would have no choice but to agree that Percy and Pierre are the most superior couple in the camp!”

Lapis groaned. She’d heard enough of Peridot’s ramblings to know every detail of that stupid Earth program.

“Oh!” Peridot exclaimed. “Lazuli would love episode ten of season four! The moment that Paulette and Percy are forced to break up because of Pamela’s influence over them! It’s the perfect episode, after all. Who can forget Paulette’s begging as Percy pushes her away? ‘Oh, Percy, I never want to be apart from you!’”

Lapis stiffened, face twisting as the words resonated with her. She wasn’t at the barn anymore— she was standing on a boat that rocked back and forth, staring into the cruel golden eyes of Jasper.

_“Let’s be Malachite again!”_

_“I’m the only one who can handle your kind of power!”_

_“Together, we’ll be unstoppable!”_

Lapis fell to her knees, the ground shifting between wood and grass. She was soaked with rainwater. No, she was bone-dry. She was kneeling in Jasper’s looming shadow. No, she was beneath a rising sun. She was on a boat with Steven, Jasper, and Greg.

No, she was alone.


	3. Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Peridot have a much-needed talk.

Peridot heard the crying over her own monologuing. She cut off abruptly and turned towards the barn door. Amongst the green grass was a strip of blue, the corner of a dress that Peridot had grown all-too accustomed to seeing around the barn. Was that the source of the crying?

“Lazuli?” Peridot crept towards the door, sticking her head out before she set foot in the grass. Lapis was hunched down on the ground, skirt splayed around her. Only her back was exposed to Peridot, but already the green Gem could tell that Lapis was trembling, horrible tremors shooting across her body. Once more, Peridot called her name, but Lapis didn’t seem to hear.

“Alright,” Peridot whispered to herself. “I can do this. I can help her. What would Steven do? He’d figure out what was wrong, right?” Tentatively, Peridot took a few more steps forward and reached her hand out. She had seen Steven do this— patting the shoulder of a friend with his own hand. He claimed it “comforted” the upset individual. Perhaps, in Lapis’ case, it would work as well.

No sooner had Peridot’s hand made contact with Lapis’ shoulder did the blue Gem leap to her feet and whirl around. Her pupils were pinpoints, barely perceptible, and her hand shook as she pointed an accusatory finger at Peridot. “Stay away from me! We aren’t fusing again!”

Peridot frowned, taking a step back and raising her hands in innocence. “I never asked to fuse, Lazu—”

“Ugh!” Lapis grabbed her skull, fingers squeezing and pulling her dark blue hair. “Just go away!”

Peridot probably should have taken Lapis’ advice. She should have walked back into the barn, sat down, and pretended that this conversation never happened. The Crystal Gems had made such a big deal about Lapis needing her space, and Steven had emphasized that even more during his earlier visit. Maybe, just maybe, Lapis was better off without her.

“No.”

Peridot surprised herself by speaking with such determination. She put a hand to her lips, wondering if she had really said that word out loud. Straightening herself, she said the word again. “No.” It tasted funny on her tongue, as if the word had muscle.

Lapis glared at her, eyes wild. “I said, _go away!_ ”

“I’m not leaving you!”

Lapis’ hands tightened into fists. Tilting her head back, she opened her mouth and her voice echoed across the hills. “ _Shut up, Jasper!_ ”

Peridot froze, watching as Lapis’ heaving breaths calmed. The blue Gem fell to her knees, fingers clenching around the grass. Though Peridot wanted to run to her side, she knew that Lapis didn’t want to be touched. Instead, Peridot sat herself down in the grass, sure to keep a few meters of space between herself and Lapis.

“Lazuli?” Peridot tried. Lapis didn’t respond. “Lazuli?” Still, nothing. “Lazuli, it’s me. Peridot. You aren’t with Jasper. You aren’t in the ocean anymore. You’re at the barn, with me. You’re with Peridot on dry land and it’s sunny and you can go on the warp pad to see Steven and his friends. You’re safe.”

“I’m not safe anywhere.” Lapis drew her legs up to her chest, head buried behind her knees. “I’m a disaster. A monster.”

Peridot couldn’t believe that Lapis thought so poorly of herself. “You aren’t a monster!” she protested. “Monsters are corrupted Gems. They have no sense of self, no aspect of humanity to them. You are not a monster, Lazuli.”

Lapis’ head emerged from its hiding. Her eyes were dark, cheeks streaked by tears. “I did horrible things, Peridot. Being in Malachite… it changed me.”  
Peridot shook her head. “I don’t understand, Lazuli. Who is bothering you more— is it Jasper, or is it Malachite?”

Something clicked with Lapis— Peridot could tell by the way her face change, her nose scrunching up, her eyes searching the ground for something that wasn’t there. Her eyes flooded with hurt, the kind that made Peridot’s proverbial heart ache. Peridot had seen plenty of shattered Gems in her day, but she’d never seen one this broken.

“It’s not what Jasper did to me,” Lapis whispered. “It’s what Malachite did to me.”

“So your problem isn’t with an individual Quartz Gem,” Peridot elaborated. “It’s with a fusion?”

Lapis nodded.

Peridot tapped her chin. Lapis needed to talk— bottling her emotions up would prove dangerous. It would turn out just like season two of Camp Pining Hearts, when Percy didn’t tell his team that he was afraid of spiders. His team had lost in episode four during the cave race because Percy walked through a spider web, panicked, and slowed his team down. It had been truly tragic, the only time the writers marred his character (well, besides the Paulette relationship…).

Realizing that she had been quiet, Peridot cleared her throat. “Lazuli, I think you should talk to someone about this. Not me, since I really don’t understand. You need someone who has experience with fusion.”

Lapis’ gaze went from lost to hostile. “You want me to fuse?”

“No, no!” Peridot shook her hands. “No, that’s not what I meant! I meant that you should have a discussion with someone who understands what it is like to be fused! I have no experience with that, and we’re already arguing without getting into the details of your experiences, so maybe I’m not the best Gem to talk to.”

Lapis settled down, though she still eyed Peridot warily. It hurt, to see the distrust on Lapis’ face. “Okay, Peridot. Who do you think I should talk to?”

A smile managed to spread across Peridot’s face. “I know exactly the Gem. Or should I say, Gems.”


	4. The Fury, The Patience, The Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking Peridot's advice, Lapis speaks to one of the Crystal Gems about fusion.

Lapis had not felt entirely comfortable using the Warp Pad to access the Crystal Temple, as she was not technically a member of the Crystal Gems. Instead, she chose to fly from the barn. Suspended in the air, weightless and free, she felt completely in control of herself. The world around her didn’t matter. All of her troubles, her apprehensions and fears, remained on the ground. They were too heavy to travel with her, but not heavy enough to weigh her down.

Of course, the moment Lapis landed on the sandy shore of Beach City, the weights fell back down upon her shoulders. She stumbled a bit on the landing, her dignity staying intact only because she knew that no one was around to have seen her. At least, she hoped that no one had seen her. For the first time, she actually didn’t want Steven around. Lapis sighed at the thought of discussing something as personal and painful as her Malachite fusion with Steven. He was too hopeful, and would probably argue that Jasper was being mean, but wasn’t inherently evil. Lapis needed to speak with someone who would not only understand every inch of fusion, but who would also have a level head. Letting out another sigh, she approached the shack that led into the Temple.

Lapis had only seen the Temple through her mirror and, all things considered, that view hadn’t provided her with the full glory of the Crystal Gem residence. It towered several stories over her, the grand Temple Fusion reaching her hands out as if to offer something to the world. Or, to receive something from the world. Even from her distance, Lapis could see that the stony façade was speckled with seagull droppings. They really marred the overall glory of the statue. 

Since she had been trapped in the mirror before the end of the First Gem War, Lapis had not seen the Temple Fusion in action. She had, however, heard of its power, the might and righteous fury that had very nearly given a decisive win to the Crystal Gems. Lapis shivered, imagining all of that power, all of those Gems crammed into one body…

She tore her eyes away from the fusion and went onwards. She needed to vent her fears before they got even worse. 

Lapis hesitated at the screen door. The last time she had been here, her gem had been cracked. Steven had freed her from the mirror, the first act of kindness she had experienced in thousands of years. He had saved her, only for Lapis to realize that the mirror was not her real captor. Malachite was.

Before the idea of knocking even crossed her mind, the screen door swung open. Lapis jumped, calming a bit when she recognized the tall Gem across from her. Just the one she wanted to see

“Oh, um, hi, Garnet. How are you?”

Garnet shrugged. “I saw that fall. You alright?”

Heat rushed into Lapis’ cheeks. “I’m fine, thanks.”

Garnet nodded, regarding her from behind those opaque lenses. Lapis shifted on her bare feet, folding her hands behind her back. She felt like a specimen under a microscope.

“You’re here to talk about fusion?”

Lapis did a double take. “I— yes. How did you…?”

Garnet angled her lenses down, revealing her third magenta eye. “Future vision.” 

“Right,” Lapis said. “Listen, could we go somewhere private? I don’t exactly feel comfortable with anyone else listening in on our conversation.”

Nodding once more, Garnet led Lapis inside. The disparity between the front half of the house and the back half was staggering. In the back, where she and Garnet were headed, the stone walls of the inner temple glowed with lilac hues. Up front, everything was wood-paneled like the barn, and human devices littered the area— snack bags, toys, a card game, a few stray shirts. She glanced up at a landing to her left, spotting a bed and a television.

“Where’s Steven?”

“He’s on a mission with Pearl and his friend, Connie,” Garnet said without turning around. “Did you want to see him?”

“No, no,” Lapis said quickly. “I was just wondering.”

As they approached the Warp Pad, Lapis wondered if talking to Garnet had been Peridot’s best idea. Sure, Garnet probably had the best understanding of fusion out of any Gem in the universe, even on Homeworld. Still, she wasn’t the best conversationalist, and Lapis wasn’t sure if silence around Garnet could be a comfortable silence.

They stepped onto the Warp Pad, and Garnet immediately activated it. Light swirled around Lapis, powder-blue waves of brightness that shot up, up, up into the great unknown. One day, she would explore where these Warp Pads on Earth led. For now, she was satisfied just to stick close to Garnet, their arms pressed together.

The light shifted directions, shooting outwards instead of upwards. Within seconds, it was gone. Lapis took in the scene— they were among the clouds, stuck on a hunk of stone floating thousands of feet in the air. Above her head was the original Diamond Authority symbol, though Pink Diamond’s rhombus had been broken into several pieces. Spinning slowly, Lapis surveyed the whole area. 

“Is this some kind of arena?” she asked.

Garnet strode forward, and Lapis jumped to catch up. “This is the Ancient Sky Arena. It was once the prime location on Earth for Gem-on-Gem gladiatorial combat. However, it became a battlefield during the war.”

Lapis studied one of the columns, before which stood an armored statue. “I see. And this is a private place?”

“I’m sure of it.” Garnet sat cross-legged in the center of the arena. Lapis hesitated, but the fusion patted the ground beside her. Seating herself across from Garnet, Lapis clasped her hands in her lap.

Neither Gem said anything.

Lapis waited, patiently, for Garnet to speak first. She had future vision— she could see where the conversation would go, and just start at the best place. She was the leader of the Crystal Gems, despite Peridot’s claim that she embodied that role. Garnet would speak and everything would be better.

Nothing.

Lapis expected to grow impatient, but she just grew more anxious. It snowballed in her abdomen and left an unsavory, bitter taste on her tongue. Watching Garnet didn’t help, but neither did staring at anything else. 

She hated to do this, but Lapis gave up. Rising from her position on the ground, she let her wings branch out of her back. She’d fly around, let off some steam. This conversation could happen on another day, with another Gem. “This was a mistake. I should just—”

Garnet stood, stretching a hand out. She didn’t touch Lapis— her fingers were close to the blue Gem’s arm, but Garnet kept her distance. There was something about how Garnet innately knew that Lapis didn’t want to be touched that kept her from flying off.

“Lapis, please stay. I understand that you’re scared. You’re afraid of fusion. But you don’t need to be afraid of me.”

Lapis balked at the accusation and took a step back. “I’m not afraid! I’m…” What was she, then? Angry? Partially, but that wasn’t the first emotion that came to mind. Maybe she was scared, but in that moment, she didn’t feel fear. What was this emotion that clawed at her throat? Staring at Garnet only made it worse. 

“I’m jealous,” said Lapis. She held onto her bicep with one hand, averting her gaze. “Garnet, you’re everything Malachite wasn’t. You are made of love, the desire to be together, the faith and trust that Jasper and I never had. There is no other fusion like you, not on Earth or on Homeworld or on any other planet. You’re perfect.” 

Garnet removed her glasses and stared at Lapis. The fusion’s eyes were round and glassy. She looked just about ready to cry. Lapis winced, wondering what she had said.

“I am not perfect,” Garnet whispered. “There is no such thing as a perfect fusion. There are fusions that work, and fusions that don’t.”

“But you’re always together!” Lapis protested. “Even when you two were apart during that baseball game against the Rubies, you were together! You were flirting and losing yourselves in each other. You two are Garnet!” 

Garnet shook her head, and spoke in a sad voice. “I may be the exception, but I am in no way exceptional.”

Lapis sighed, running a hand over her face. “Peridot thought that by talking to you, I would gain a better understanding of what exactly my problem was. Instead, I just have more questions.”

With a troubled look on her face, Garnet sat back down. She stared at Lapis with such pitiful eyes that she finally decided to stay and listen to the fusion’s words. Maybe she could get something out of it. Peridot would be disappointed if Lapis came back without any wise words.

“Lapis, I’m going to tell you something deeply personal,” said Garnet. “It happened several months ago, when Peridot was still our enemy. She had been trying to rebuild the communication hub to contact Homeworld and escape from Earth. That communication hub is where horrible things happened, all relating to me and fusion.”

Lapis leaned forward a bit. 

“The first time we destroyed the hub, Amethyst and I fused to form Sugalite, one of the most unstable fusions I have ever encountered. We lost ourselves in that fusion, rampaging against our own teammate. Sugalite could have seriously injured Pearl in our battle against her. We only lost and were freed of that fusion because Steven was there, pushing Pearl and urging her to fight on.”

“That does sound pretty bad,” said Lapis. What she didn’t say was that it paled in comparison to Malachite. She and Jasper had been battling inside of Malachite, while it sounded like Amethyst and Garnet got along a little too well when fused as Sugalite. 

“There was another fusion incident,” Garnet said. “You see, Peridot rebuilt the hub, which interfered with the television signal in Steven’s room. When we heard, we knew that we had to destroy it again. Amethyst wanted to fuse, but I said no, since Sugalite was too dangerous. I thought that fusing with Pearl and forming Sardonyx would be fine, with no repercussions at all.” 

Without seeing Garnet’s eyes, Lapis could tell that she was troubled as the story was retold.

“Not long after we destroyed the hub, the same television interference from before started up. We thought that Peridot had rebuilt it. So, Pearl and I fused to take it out. It happened several more times, and I never caught on. I was so reliant on my future vision and the possibility of catching Peridot that I completely missed what was happening right in front of my face. Amethyst and Steven confronted us, and I learned that Pearl was the one who had been rebuilding the hub.”

Lapis stared at Garnet. “Why? Why would Pearl do something like that?”

“She told me that fusion made her feel powerful. According to Pearl, fusion was her shot at strength. But this, who I am, it’s not brave. It’s not strong, by Pearl’s definition at least.”

“So, if you aren’t bravery, and you aren’t strength, what are you, then?” asked Lapis.

Garnet bowed her head, studying her feet. For a minute, Lapis thought that the fusion hadn’t heard her. Lapis had just opened her mouth to repeat herself when Garnet finally replied.

“I am love. There is strength in love, but there is also fear. Uncertainty. Tumult. Love, like fusion, is never perfect. There are always flaws and disagreements. It is how you combat those struggles that will make you a better Gem.”

Lapis crossed her arms over her chest. Garnet’s words definitely resonated with her, but she wasn’t sure what exactly those words were supposed to mean to her specifically. 

“Garnet, I’m glad that you’ve taken the time to talk to me, but I don’t feel like I’ve moved on from Malachite.”

To her surprise, Garnet smiled. “That will take time, Lapis. It took me months to come to terms with Pearl. During those months, when I bottled up my emotions, I lashed out and hurt people. The Sardonyx incident was so rough that I even hurt myself. Ruby and Sapphire split up, and Steven thought it was his fault.”

Lapis studied Garnet for a few silent moments. The recount of her experience had caused Garnet’s smile to fall slightly.

“But you’ve moved on from that?” asked Lapis.

Garnet nodded. “It takes time, but talking about it definitely helped.” She glanced at Lapis. “How do you feel now?”

“Anxious.”

“Why?”

Lapis gazed upwards as a few clouds rolled past. “I… I don’t know.”


End file.
